Falling Stars
by MandaPanda2
Summary: <html><head></head>We still shine. (Companion to Stardust)</html>


Disclaimer: All characters (unless otherwise specified) belong to Aaron Spelling, E. Duke Vincent, Gary Tomlin, NBC, et al and are used here strictly for non-profit entertainment purposes.  
>Rating: PG<br>Genre: Drama  
>Spoilers: Everything through Olivia on the cruise, then it's alternate universe. (See the author's note.)<br>Summary: We still shine.

_A/N: This is a companion to my AU story, Stardust, and immediately follows the events of Chapter 20._

* * *

><p>I'm secretly grateful for the traffic. I never thought I would ever say that, but I am. Outside the windows, the heat crackles as the unrelenting sun beats down on the car. Inside, the hum of the air conditioning fills the silence between Olivia and I. If there was no traffic, I would have already left her at the airfield and been on my way back to Sunset Beach. Instead, the traffic has delayed the inevitable. The realization that there's nothing keeping her from leaving twists in my stomach, a plague on my soul. The inevitable never used to surprise me. That was before though, when I would force the universe to bend to my will. But, not anymore. That power is lost to me. With the traffic at a standstill, I reach up to rub my eyes. As I sigh, I hear Olivia ask softly, "Are you alright?"<p>

Neither of us are. Our hearts have been ripped out of our chests and torn to shreds this last month. But, what other choice do I have but to say, "I'm fine"? The two words quiver and she turns slowly. Her puffy eyes are still and I can see her mulling over my response. The only thing I think of though as I watch her is how sad she looks. Whatever ounce of peace existing within us disappeared when we left my study and I watched her say goodbye to our children.

Her reply doesn't exactly come as a surprise.

* * *

><p>"I'm fine too," I say softly. Of course, neither of us are the very thing we profess to being. We both know it. He looks bewildered and exhausted, older than his age. No one could go through what we've gone through these last few weeks and <em>not<em> see years taken off their lives. I sigh and reach out, gently covering his hand with my own. My gesture gets no reaction out of him, except for the way his hand turns so that our fingers lace together. A sad half-smile comes to my lips as I watch our entwined hands. "We always were good at lying to each other." I look up slowly. "Fine?" I ask after a long moment, hoping for the truth.

He sighs gravely, his hand warm against my own. "I'm tired," he admits, his dark eyes heavy.

I nod. "Me as well. I haven't had a proper sleep in weeks."

Tired. Devastated. Broken. It all means the same thing.

* * *

><p><em>I reached for Gregory's hand as we walked up to Caitlin's house, tall palms shading the walkway. He offered to drive me to the airport and I accepted. It seemed right. Letting him drive me brought a measure of comfort to my battered soul.<em>

_He squeezed my hand back as a warm breeze swirled around us, the front door nearer with each step. "It's going to be alright," he said softly and I nodded in reply. I desperately wanted to believe him. Would the day ever come when I didn't feel a dash of fear before I saw Caitlin and Trey? Would I ever trust myself to let down my guard? _

_Never. _

_I was too afraid of letting the truth slip out. _

* * *

><p>The car behind me honks and I look up. The traffic has begun moving again and I slowly turn forward, reluctantly letting go of her hand. We inch forward, the engine of the Jaguar purring in the afternoon. In the hazy distance, I can make out the outline of the air traffic control tower. My stomach clenches, knowing that it's only a matter of time. She left me years ago. We've moved on. Why does her leaving <em>now<em> feel like the end of everything?

"Thank you," she murmurs.

A tremor goes through me and I grip the steering wheel tighter. "For what?"

A stone weight drops in the pit of my stomach. It's because she and I have been to hell and back. No one else understands the torment of my last month except for Olivia. She's the only one who knows what it feels like when my lungs constrict to the point of pain. What it feels like to watch our child call someone else Daddy. What it feels like to let a lie told for the right reasons eat me alive.

"For being here," she replies quietly and I feel her eyes on me. "For not letting me be alone."

She and I have been to hell and back...and I love her. She loves me. _Do you think we can be friends again?_

Yes. Dear God, _yes_.

* * *

><p>Gregory glances over, flashing me a crooked smile. I wasn't surprised he offered to take me to the airport. He was always at his best when there was someone to take care of, someone to protect. When he offered, I was relieved. I didn't realize how relieved I was until I felt it flooding through me, a balm to my taut nerves. I just wasn't...ready to leave him yet. When I did, it would all be real. More real than the document we signed this afternoon giving up Trey.<p>

Leaving makes everything real.

"You'll be alone enough on the plane," he says quietly. He's right. I'm not looking forward to the hours I'll spend on the private jet back to London. Sleep will allude me, as it's done every night this past month. Instead, I'll relive every moment that's lead to this. Every sin, every failing. "Colin will meet you when you land?"

* * *

><p>I want – I <em>need<em> – to make sure that she'll be alright once she leaves me. She looks over and shakes her head slowly. "H-he doesn't know I'm coming home," she admits.

"Why not?"

She shrugs and turns to me, slumping into the leather seat. "I didn't want to tell him...in case I couldn't." In case Trey begged her to stay just _one_ more day. In case she couldn't say no to him. In case she couldn't bear to leave.

The traffic slows again and I look over, watching the dark smudges beneath her eyes. She's wearing the mark of our heartbreak, our sacrifice.

The price of my sins.

* * *

><p>"<em>I'm ok, M-Mom," Caitlin said, pulling away from her mother's embrace. I watched Olivia nod, sniffing as she wiped her eyes. The truth was that our daughter was ok. Her blond hair was growing back and would one day cover the scar on the left side of her head. She could think, she could walk, and, other than a diminishing stutter, showed no sign of lingering effects from the car accident or the surgery.<em>

"_I know," Olivia sighed. She reached up, cupping Caitlin's face as she gazed into her eyes. "I just-"_

_I remembered watching Barbara and Olivia stand that way years ago, one last look sustaining my mother-in-law until the next time she saw her child. Now, it was Caitlin who smiled warmly and offered reassurances. Our brave daughter, who would never know just how much we loved her. How much we gave up for her happiness. _

"_Trey," Caitlin called out, "c-come say bye to Nana." It was the slightest of movements, but I saw Olivia stiffen. I looked up, meeting Sean's concerned eyes as we heard the sound of Trey's feet running __down the hall._

* * *

><p>Gregory sighs, anguish etched into his face. He swallows hard and glances down, like he's ashamed. In a heartbeat, I reach out and cover his hand. "Tell me," I say simply.<p>

A moment later, he looks up slowly. His face is drawn as he murmurs, "This last month, I've thought of nothing but the way you begged me not to go through with my plan for Caitlin's baby. About how if I listened to you, it would have changed...everything."

Like he's still blaming himself. Like it's all his fault.

A sick feeling does an unholy dance in my stomach as I slowly sit up. I'm still holding onto his hand as he takes the exit for the airfield. My skin crawls as I watch the Jaguar follow the curve of the road, the small terminal suddenly looming before us. "Gregory, please...don't..."

The car glides up to the curb and he parks. But, instead of turning back to me, he just gazes blankly out through the windshield. "And, I wouldn't listen to you," he finally says, his voice dejected and flat. "I. Wouldn't. Listen."

I close my eyes, suddenly dizzy. Without thinking, I whisper, "Haven't you ever wondered why I didn't tell you I was pregnant?" He doesn't say anything, but I hear the leather of his seat hiss as he turns to me. Rising nausea threatens to overtake me and, for the briefest of moments, I wonder if I'll be sick. But, vomiting is the least of my worries as I force my eyes open. Slowly, I look over at him, meeting his confused stare. "I-I was into my second trimester when you found out."

* * *

><p>I blink. She's surprised me and I hear my own puzzled response come out of my mouth. "You said you were afraid to tell me." Memories flicker before my eyes, flashes of light that draw me in. The way my head spun when she pressed my hand to her stomach. The way she nodded, seeing the question dancing in my eyes. The way her voice cracked as she turned up to me. <em>You're not angry with me, are you?<em>

She nods shakily and looks back down, watching the way her left hand covers my right. Her diamond engagement ring catches the sun, scattering rainbows of light on the center console. Six years ago, I was furious to see she still wore my diamond. Now, it's still a jolt to see Colin's diamond there. "You never asked of what."

My reaction. Another miscarriage. That she was too old. Those fears and a dozen others flew through my mind more than six years ago when she said she was afraid. Now, I watch the way the color drains from her face as she turns back to me. Her chin quivers and I ask, "What does it-"

"Everything," she insists quietly. "It has _everything_ to do with it." She inhales sharply as her brow furrows. "I've had a month of sleepless nights to think about why I didn't tell you I was pregnant when I found out. About...how _that_ might have changed everything if I had." An uneasy sensation prickles in my gut as her voice drops and she says, "Ask me what I was afraid of. Why I wouldn't tell you."

* * *

><p>He watches me carefully for a long moment before he finally shakes his head slightly. "What were you afraid of, Olivia?"<p>

"You," I reply softly. He sucks in his breath, a shockingly loud sound for this space. The truth swells between us and I press on, feeling it rising in my throat. And, I realize I want to tell him. Not only just to cleanse my soul, but so that he would would know I contributed to the unholy turn our lives took. I am equally to blame. "Of- of what you would say – what you would _do_ – if...you found out th-that my baby may not have been yours."

And then there's silence.

* * *

><p><em>The little boy hurled himself at me, his arms wrapped tight around my waist. He looked up at me, his face twisted. "Can't you stay just one more day, Nana?"<em>

_Slowly, I shook my head and knelt down to his level. He sighed deeply, his eyes downcast. "Oh, darling boy," I murmured as I cupped his chin and nudged his face up. I felt Gregory's eyes on me as I watched the child and said, "It's time for me to go home. I'm sure Joy misses me terribly." He reluctantly nodded as his sapphire eyes met my own. "But, I'll see you again in the summer when you come to visit."_

_He nodded eagerly, a delighted grin lighting up his face. "Can we play with the dogs and horses when I come?" _

_I smiled and leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I would love that," I whispered, my lips brushing against his skin. I took his face in my hands and watched him for a long moment. He shifted and beamed back at me, content and happy. Just as he should be. _

* * *

><p>I suddenly remember standing with Olivia in the private terminal a month ago. I remember telling her that our dead son was alive. I remember the way her palm cracked against the side of my face. I remember the way she gasped, a deep and guttural sound. I remember the way she fell into Colin, struggling to breathe. That gasp. It summed up everything. Given a shock, she exploded, her body acting out the emotions coursing through her. Not me. Never me. I imploded, the shock and grief festering until it ate me alive. Now, I sit here and let the sound of pounding blood in my ears fill the silence.<p>

_My baby may not have been yours_. She didn't tell me because she was afraid. Of me. Of my reaction. Of the way I would've destroyed her. Another man, a better man, would've been able to love the child because she was his mother. Not me. I would've cast her out of my life for that betrayal, the same way I cast her out after we thought our son died.

_My baby may not have been yours._ My head throbs and I lower it, sighing deeply. Does it surprise me – the possibility that so terrified her? Our twenty-five year marriage was clouded with infidelity. In the last few years before her pregnancy, we were mortally broken. We were shells, just going through the motions of being Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Richards.

"Gregory?" she whispers. "Please."

"He _is_ my son," I say softly, looking back.

Her eyes glisten as she nods slightly. "Yes. But...I never knew that." I exhale deeply, immediately understanding. "I never knew until you met me here, when you told me he was alive. When you told me that his D.N.A. matched ours." For years, she never knew I was his father and she still let me berate her for his death. She stood there and took my rage, never saying the _one_ thing that would've gotten me to stop. "Every night for the last month, I've thought how different our lives would be if I just told you from the beginning that I really was pregnant."

* * *

><p>I don't know that burdening him with this truth after the last month was the best thing to do. Another person would say it was selfish – to tell him this after everything we've already learned. But, I was weak. I pushed our marriage to the edge and stood back as it slowly toppled over. My throat aches as I whisper, "I didn't know if you were his father or if-"<p>

Gregory flinches and squeezes my hand. "Stop," he pleads softly, his eyes poring into mine. "_Please_." I nod slowly, understanding. He didn't want to know. _That_ truth wouldn't change anything. After everything, my child – _our_ child – ended up being Cole's. He shakes his head slowly and sighs. "He's my son," he repeats.

He is my son's father...and they are both lost to me. And isn't that just what I deserve?

I remember when Caitlin was small and she would curl up next to me in my bed. Those were the nights when Gregory worked late and Sean was already asleep in the nursery. The way her little arms hugged my neck as she burrowed her face in my hair. The way her sleepy voice stumbled insistently through fairy tale songs as she sang us to sleep. _When you wish upon a star..._

With the memory of her singing voice sustaining me, I realize that's all Gregory and I are now. Two people who get to watch their broken wishes come back to earth on falling stars. Sparkling trails of tears against a dark night's sky. Our heart's desires are lost, snuffed out like a candle's flame.

"We always were good at lying to each other," he sighs tiredly and I look up. He reaches up and I feel his fingertips dance across my jaw line. I blink, tears splattering on my cheeks as a sob rises in my throat.

* * *

><p>I reach out and gently cup her face. "I understand," I say. My thumbs brush her tears away as I look into her full eyes. Because I do. This doesn't compare to everything else we've already lost. Our son. Our marriage. Each other. She shakes her head, as if she doesn't believe me, and I whisper, "I understand everything. And...it's over. It's in the past."<p>

She swallows back a sob as she leans forward, her forehead resting against my own. "I'm sor-"

But, I hush her as my thumbs continue their gentle path on her cheeks. Forgiveness is a grace I denied to her once. I can't – I _won't_ – do that to her again. With my forehead bowed to hers, I murmur the only truth I know. "I forgive you." She inhales sharply and I feel her tremble. I don't want these last few moments to end with her exposed heart bleeding out. We still have the rest of our lives to get on with. Somehow. "I need your address."

Olivia sniffles and leans up enough for me to see the bewilderment staining her face. "What?"

"Your address." I reach out and tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. "How else can I write to you?"

It takes a moment, but then it appears. A delighted smile spreads across her face as she nods quickly. She wrote to me throughout our married life. It started when we first began dating and it never stopped. But, I never wrote her back. Not then, but now. She wipes her eyes and blinks the lingering tears away. "Just a moment," she says and I watch as she reaches for her handbag. After a moment of digging, she pulls out a pen and a scrap of paper.

* * *

><p><em>Sean followed us out of Caitlin's home and ran a nervous hand through his hair. "Mom, are you-"<em>

_Olivia glanced over her shoulder, a shaky smile dancing on her lips. "I'm fine, darling." _

_Our son looked at me, worried. I shook my head, hoping the gesture would reassure him somehow. If anyone was surprised to see Olivia arrive and leave with me, they didn't show it. He sighed deeply and fell into step next to me. We stopped by the car and I watched Sean step into Olivia's embrace. They're quiet and still for several long moments. Then, she leaned up and whispered something in his ear. As she did, her eyes flickered to me, looking at me over our son's shoulder. "I will," Sean promised as he kissed her cheek. _

_She nodded, chucking his chin as she watched him quietly for a long moment. Then, she smiled as she let her hands fall to his shoulders. "Thank you, darling." _

* * *

><p>I look up, holding out the paper. It's a credit card receipt from earlier, but I wrote my address on the back. He's going to write me. In his study, I told him I still loved him. He needed to hear it...and I needed to hear his reply. Our stars may have fallen, but we still shine. "Will we be ok?" I ask quietly as he takes the receipt. Should I trust myself to not break down and confess the truth? Will the pain ever lessen? Can we go on? I may have been the one to convince him to agree to this, but he's the only one who can reassure me that we can <em>live<em> with this decision. I've always believed in everything he promised me.

His eyes flicker for a moment, but he slowly nods. A shadow falls over his face and he opens his mouth, but he's cut off by the knock on the window. I turn, watching as the passenger door opens and one of the sky caps leans down. "I thought that was you, Lady Lavenham. May I take your bags in?"

"They're in the trunk," Gregory replies for me as he turns away and climbs out of the car.

I watch him leave and the car gently shakes as he and sky cap haul my leather suitcases out. With a sigh, I reach out and let my hand rest against the driver's seat. It's still warm with his body heat and I close my eyes. But, it's no matter – time doesn't stop. His hand brushes my shoulder and I guiltily rip my hand away from his seat. As I open my eyes, I see his hand held out expectantly and I bite back a smile. Somethings don't change, I think as I take it and swing my legs out. "Thank you," I say softly.

As we walk into the small terminal, his arm wraps around my shoulders and I lean into him. "What did you say to Sean?" he whispers.

* * *

><p>Her eyes flicker up and a guilty expression blossoms on her face. "Liv?"<p>

She sighs and turns to me, my arm slipping from her shoulders. "I asked him to look after you," she replies quietly, watching me carefully.

My chest throbs and it's suddenly hard to breathe as I force myself to nod. Nothing is as it was a month ago. Sean and I are suddenly closer than we've ever been. Between convincing me to tell Alex the truth and roping in our son, Olivia is leaving me in capable hands. Reassuring herself that I'll be taken care of in her absence. "Thank you," I murmur.

"_Lady Lavenham, the jet is fueled and ready for departure."_

She nods but doesn't turn to the sky cap. As his footsteps depart, she steps closer to me, gazing intently. "I'll be back in October," she says softly, "for the station's board meeting."

In the past, our paths have never crossed when she's been in town for work. Not anymore though. "I'll see you then," I reply.

She frowns, fine lines appearing around her mouth. "I- I don't-" I reach up, cupping her cheeks as she gaps, "I don't want to say goodbye."

Her cheeks are cool against my palms. "Then don't," I suggest. "What was it that Thomas used to say to you when he would leave?"

A whisper of a chuckle rises in her throat and a light glows within me when she beams. "He always said, 'Back before you know it, love'," she answers as her arms wrap around me. She tucks her head beneath my chin as I hug her back, feeling the tremor that goes through her. Slowly, I run my hand over her hair, still knowing its silky texture anywhere. I close my eyes, savoring these last few seconds with her.

* * *

><p>"Let's go," I hear Gregory say, "with that."<p>

I nod, reluctantly lifting my head. His eyes open slowly and I see the glisten of tears against his brown irises. My throat tightens and I force myself up, pressing a kiss to his mouth. Not a long and lingering kiss like the one we shared in his study, but a goodbye one. Despite what we say, that's what this is. It's goodbye. "Back before you know it, love," I say softly.

He nods, his fingers combing through my hair. "Back before you know it, love," he replies.

We still shine.

THE END.

* * *

><p><em>AN #2: The song Olivia recalls Caitlin singing is "When You Wish Upon a Star" (written by Leigh Harline and Ned Washington)._


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